rollercoaster tycoon

i feel like 
underneath the
steely demeanor
lies someone 
who embraces,
who climaxes,
who smiles just
because. 

i went to church
one time in 2nd grade
and marveled at the pews,
termite-infected benches
where the pensive sit
to love, to cry, to hope. 

and you must have been there
in a tight skirt, not really appropriate
but that’s what you are—not really appropriate.

there’s something about 
you and god and those benches
that make me wish
i could be anywhere but
where i am now—
in my room,
licking peanut butter off
of yesterday’s regrets. 

i shouldn’t feel this way. 
earth spins on this axis thing.

and we are all at the same six flags
taking turns throwing up,
swallowing our throats,
smiling at nothing, 
except you—you’re just 
in some corner, eyes closed,
dancing and pretending.

How To Have High Self-Esteem 
By: Not Me

bogged

i’m weighed down by you,
by the way you say nothing
when i want something. 

i was in love with a girl

i was in love with a girl
who baked under sun,
shrouded herself in a veil of 
self-admiration and ignorance,
but abandoned it all for
sorrow, passion, and
the few genuine pleasures
that are attached to life. 

she limited herself to
men with corporate bodies
and the most vapid of thoughts.

and one day she was struck by pain.
it ran up her arm and penetrated,
spreading to her chest—everything
lost it’s opaqueness and the
place she inhabited felt empty.

her eyes turned a real blue
and the scent of her changed.
she was no longer fixated
on herself, on the trivialities
that plague the vain. 

i fell in love with her.
she pinpricked me in a 
million different places 
until it hurt, until each
little pore oozed red tears
that would eternally 
bind me to transformations.

i look at her now,
at everyone who has ever changed,
at everyone who has begged for affection,
and i melt, turn into a 
puddle that will never be
anything more than a puddle. 

I can taste the regret of yesterday and the pain of tomorrow. Today doesn’t exist.

i don’t know what it is about today, but i’m finding rooney mara ridiculously sexy. more than usual.

lamentations

I’ve been here for a year now so I think it’s important to evaluate everything.

I never wanted to go to NYU. I never wanted to live in New York. It’s big, overwhelming, lonely, and dirty. I’ve learned to love that it’s big, overwhelming, lonely, and dirty.

My first weeks here I had a couple of panic attacks. I was a ticking bomb, my emotions would give me away. I’d tell myself that I would have to leave. The 150mg of Zoloft wasn’t enough. The Xanax wasn’t enough. I was taking a couple just to feel not so bad. I was becoming nothing. Sedated, but not satisfied.

It got better. Everything does somewhat eventually I think. I made friends, established a routine. I walked to class in rain, in snow, in sadness. I fell in love with people. I made friends. I made connections with people who I’d like to be friends with. There was a lot I wanted to do. Still a lot I want to do. 

It got worse. Three-quarters of the way in I felt things collapsing. Everything I had established seemed so distant, superfluous. This is where I am now. I’m leaving New York and I can’t help but be slightly disappointed. Yes, I am happier here than I thought I’d ever be, but I’ve also suffered. I’ve been hurt. I’ve abandoned people and have been abandoned. I have felt lower than ever before, ugly. I won’t pretend that it was all bad. I made some friends, people I definitely like, but I still feel like I’m wearing this dark veil. That everything I think and every way I act is calculated. People here are smart enough to see it.

I don’t know where I stand now. I want to establish relationships next year that last. I want friends who want me too. There’s so much I want to experience. Better sex. Worse sex. Cuisine. But all I can feel at this point is resigned. It’s been difficult. My heart hurts a lot. Still, I’m here. I’m here. I’m here. I’m here. I’m doing it. I’m living in New York alone. I just hope it will all be worth it soon. pls.

unfamiliar

i don’t know myself,
the way i’ll respond to you,
anything really.