some thoughts on a thursday night
I remember the first time I read The Sun Also Rises and how sad I felt afterwards. I was Jake, I told myself. I’ll be stuck in one way or another. I’ll find myself crippled in one way or another. I am crippled in one way or another.
I hate feeling lesser than others. I hate that so many people in my life lately have reinforced these feelings. And I’ve been trying so hard too! I’ve been taking my medication, I’ve been talking to new people, and mostly I’ve been trying not to be so complacent. I know what complacency brings and I can’t fall back into that. But still, I feel crippled and defeated and sterile (in my own way) almost everyday.
The other day I messaged someone from one of my classes on Facebook to get coffee. It was a completely platonic request, based off a good impression this kid had given me (I’d like to think I’m good with these intuitions, but who knows lately). Anyway, he read the message almost immediately and didn’t respond. So I panicked and felt desperate and forward and anxious and pathetic. I messaged a friend from home for advice. I wanted to know if what I had done was weird. She told me it was. She told me that if someone had approached her in that way she would have been creeped out.
I don’t know. He eventually responded. Really nicely, actually. But it didn’t matter because I felt so fucking defeated and wrong. I still feel this way.
I’m trying to justify everything I feel by believing that it’s New York. After all, living in New York is hard. I have to make bolds moves or I’ll be alone. I can’t be alone though. I can’t continue to masturbate and wallow. And I don’t need someone just to feel better about myself. I know that’s unhealthy and ultimately destructive. I know that I don’t really need anyone. But I want to be around people. I want friends who are sensitive, insightful, and not so goddamn narcissistic and hurtful. I know it’s the time in our lives where a level of narcissism is somewhat acceptable. We should be looking after ourselves.
But I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue to look at my stomach and feel so goddamn pale all the time. I can’t continue to feel like an ugly human being and unworthy of attention. Even when people think these things, I can’t believe it. Even when people play with my emotions, I can’t believe it. That’s how it works, right? Someone comes to you when you least expect it.
I don’t know what prompted me to write this. I’d like to think I’ve been in a better place lately even when I’m at my worst (which is nowhere near my actual worst).
I’m trying so hard and I’ve found people I think could be good for me. And a lot of them haven’t been. A lot of them have been horrible and manipulative and confusing. I’ve been destroyed and I guess I’ll have to learn to be fine with that too. I don’t know. I can’t fucking implode anymore. I can’t let what is sure to be years of heartbreak and disappointment destroy me. I won’t survive it.